Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Kuhntrap (editor) note: The two blondes who wrote this, Jamie and Katie of U of I fame,are completely ridiculous. They are also probably geniuses (though not really at photoshop-see above). I am honored that they chose to share their wisdom with me and all you loyal (6? 7?) MNTRP readers. Please enjoy, and don't dink gin and tonic while reading this because it will come shooting out of your nose, which will be both painful and disgusting.
Welcome to the Jamie and Katie Motivational and Inspirational DealBreaker Forum, better known as the missing 5th Gospel. We have worked diligently towards preserving these sacred words. As you journey through these moving messages, we hope they will inspire you to become either a better man or wiser woman. May you find the teachings in this missing Gospel worthy enough to put into your daily practice, God Bless!
When your man wears anything “bedazzled” i.e. belts or sunglasses, he can take his shimmery self to the nearest Justice store and help little tots pick out their newest glitter jeans.- DealBreaker!
When his idea of a date is conversation at the Java house and the ONLY thing that is hot and steamy is the coffee, the ONLY thing I’m taking home is the to-go cup.-DealBreaker!
When he is skinnier and shorter than me, I DO NOT want to be mistaken as his babysitter or mom, I need to feel like I have my own personal bodyguard. You will be rewarded for my protection . –DealBreaker!
When you find it necessary to whine about every ache, pain, mom locking you in a closet as a child, your dad making you shoot your favorite dog, weather, life in general, I’m a psych major, I didn’t get this degree to counsel you, it’s only to analyze you, I refuse to date prospective clients and my therapy sessions do not come free. -DealBreaker!
When his idea of protection involves only Trojans, he has FAILED the J&K protection test, The J&K Protection Test involves:
1. He MUST be able to pick me up, even in the absence of fire, avalanche, flood, when your flip has flopped, or mudslides.
2. He MUST be willing to put his life on the line.
3. Uniform that involves rescuing is automatic graduation.
4. He can’t brag about his gallant bravery, it’s ALL in a days work dating us.
When your man’s ONLY excuse to NOT take you on a tropical getaway because he has no one to watch his “pet,” his lonely little Nemo needs to find his family back home, I’ll be glad to help him swirl his way there. Bon voyage!- DealBreaker!
When your man doesn’t have a passion in life, such as: icicle collector, snowman judger, professional sun gazer, charcoal taster, snowflake preserver, lazy river racer, bubble chaser, grass painter, McDonalds playground equipment review tester, a man without a passion is like a glue sniffer without glue, we just don’t stick together.-DealBreaker!
Lovingly giving you compliments is one thing, but giving you compliments about how beautiful you are every 5 minutes is another. You’ve built me up so much; I now can do better than you and in my mind I’m strutting down the runway. –DealBreaker!
When you’re hanging around with my mom more than me, I understand she’s hot because I share 50 percent of my genes with her but lets be honest, you have NO chance, this isn’t American Pie. – DealBreaker!
When you’re looking at the family photograph and you realize he is 1 of 4 boys, with no other females in the picture besides his mom. – DealBreaker! (He will never be able to relate to a girl – ALWAYS LOOK FOR SISTERS! Guys with sisters are female adjusted men.)
When your man checks his reflection in every mirror and window he passes, for the love of himself, I see a marriage in the making: him and his ego. -DealBreaker!
When he’s pulling out the tissue box more than you to wipe away his tears – DealBreaker!
When I have to question his sexuality within the first 5 minutes because I need to know if I just met the love of my life or my new best gay. –DealBreaker!
When he is sipping on his umbrella adorned Cosmopolitan and puffing lady-like on his cigar, and a foreign language isn’t spewing from his lips, clearly I’m not only in the wrong country but I have walked into the wrong bar. I didn’t realize we were in search of the same thing. –DealBreaker!
When he holds a tanning membership instead of gym membership. –DealBreaker!
When you find him holding doors open for ‘older women’ but not for you, he’s only dating you because you’re there, his real fantasy lies with the cougar. –DealBreaker!
When your man has trouble making any decision and forces you to be the man,
Here, catch the life preserver, my ship is on a different course, I’m steering towards solid land.-DealBreaker!
When he is worshipping his car more than moi, I will take my temple somewhere else to be admired.-DealBreaker!
When he smiles and you’re blinded by the yellow, and you break out humming the ‘wheels on the bus go round and round’, it’s time for him to take the short bus home.-DealBreaker!
When you realize your man has more mood swings than you do, either he needs to get his testosterone checked or he needs a tampon. – DealBreaker!
When the “Glory Days” in high school are clearly the highlight of his life and his class reunions are weekly, chances are he’s not living up to his title, “Most Likely To Succeed.” – DealBreaker!
When you realize secrets are meant to be kept, it’s OK, being the mascot of your high school team, BIG secret, I don’t need to know and you will be glad you never shared it.-Creeper!
When we’re living in two different eras. Hello, the 80s is now a flashback not reality. We are not Back, we are in the Future.- DealBreaker!
When your man claims he’s an Atheist. You have to believe in something. I don’t care if it’s Harmony, Hope, and Love.. even World Peace, just please have a belief.- DealBreaker!
When you have what is called a “religious man,” I mean I love the Pope and I’m all about Sainthood (my Canonization should be soon) however, when every evening involves you preparing to be the next Apostle.-DealBreaker! ..I’ll be your angel if you have an edge
When he doesn’t have a license. –DealBreaker! (DUI is no excuse)
When he’s watching cartoons and he doesn’t have any kids. – DealBreaker!
When he has a kid. –DealBreaker!
When he has lived in the same small town his whole life, and his idea of worldly is eating at the local Mexican restaurant, sorry that enchilada is not for this Senorita. No way Jose!– DealBreaker!
When he says we’re going out to dinner and you realize what he really means is ‘grab a shot gun and get the deer stand.’ –DealBreaker!
When you don’t appreciate my sarcasm or you just don’t get it, guess what else you’re not getting, MOI! – DealBreaker!
When his only friends on Facebook are his family members, I’m glad at least someone loves him. –DealBreaker!
When your man uses Facebook for his dating invitations, chances are, you are also second to his fantasy football league. I don’t do seconds.–DealBreaker!
When his pants are tighter than yours (and he doesn’t have an accent) is he trying to outdo you with the way his butt looks in those jeans. – DealBreaker!
When his idea of a date is attending the town’s fair and expecting you to dine on funnel cake, sticky fluffy pink cotton, and the meat on a stick, I’m sure there are plenty of other girls who will go “up” and “down” and “around” his Ferris wheel. Sorry, one of us matured.-DealBreaker!
When your man drives a van, including an ice cream truck. –Pedophile!
When he has a room full of stuffed animals, that he has won for himself at the local county fair or from the claw crane toy machines, those will be the only “wild” things that he’ll ever find in his bedroom.-DealBreaker!
When your man is trying to pay for your dinner with food stamps. –DealBreaker!
When your man is not working towards getting his PhD, why is he even living? –DealBreaker!
When your man’s intellectual skills don’t match up with his social skills and the word awkward best describes, there is hope for him, lab rats are great listeners and run fast.-DealBreaker
When his hair is longer than yours and he’s not a Beatle or the second coming of Jesus. –DealBreaker!
When I check your dating history (that’s a given), and I realize quality isn’t a prerequisite, obviously you’re not ready for my league. When I review your stat card and the bases are loaded, and you’ve rounded the bases too many times, no sliding into home here!-Strike out!
When his paycheck is not going towards your Louis Vuitton Collection but to child support.- Dealbreaker!
When he claims he has his own religion, first sign to a future serial killer.- DealBreaker!
When your man has and is under suspicion for a missing person case, he is not the exception and YOU are his NEXT victim.- DealBreaker! Keep your portfolio updated with your hottest shot!
When your man dresses like Harry Potter.–DealBreaker! (unless you’re into 12 year olds.)
When your man has memorial tattoos, they just make me want to cry for you, BUT drunken memorial tattoos just makes me think what else have you done when you have become that intoxicated.-DealBreaker!
When your man agrees with you about how awful your hair looks after your trip to the salon, no matter what my hair looks like, I’m always the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen, even if I’m bald, bald is beautiful, Britney knows. - DealBreaker!
When your man shushes you, never under ANY circumstance shush me, don’t stifle my social butterfly quality and gift for gab, because everything I say is important, I am unshushable. -DealBreaker!
When he buys you a gift and it only benefits him, i.e. a video game so we can spend “time together,” GAME OVER!- DealBreaker!
When a huge screen at a sporting event is involved in my marriage proposal, you will regret it, I will embarrass you.- DealBreaker!
When your man wants to begin playing mind games, let me remind him, he can go hide but I won’t be seeking.-DealBreaker!
When I see that personal cleanliness and lack of organization are the last on his to do list, guess who was just checked off my “To Do List.”-DealBreaker!
Clarifications and consultations are accepted on a first come, first serve basis.
We are in the process of providing an emergency hotline.
If you enjoyed the 5th Gospel, the 6th Gospel will be sure to please.
Peace be with you all.
Credits for inspiration: We would like to express our sincere gratitude for our brothers’ failed relationships and also to their victims. We are certain it has been a painful process for everyone involved. For if it weren’t for their bold attempts to commit and their (sometimes) willing participants, this Gospel would have never been written.
Bless their hearts!
Friday, November 25, 2011
I’m a big fan of a good pro/con list. I think that it helps get your mind around a situation and straightens out your priorities. I also am a big fan of hilarious lists. Here, myself and KBaums have compiled what we believe to be the most important and relevant pros and cons to getting a boyfriend (or a galfriend, for you bros). We’ve had ‘em, we’ve hated ‘em, we’ve screwed it all up, we’ve lived and loved, we’ve been there and done all of it and then done did some more. We hope this list helps you avoid having to do all that.
- A regular, steady stream of sex.
- You won’t have to make up an excuse when a nasty creeper takes a shine to you. My fake boyfriend, Lance, is often found out after I tell people that he is a professional wrestler (2 drinks) or a Beastie Boy (5 drinks). Your real boyfriend/girlfriend will probably sound real when you talk about them when they’re not there.
- You have a reason to not just let yourself go. Since you’ll be naked all the time, you’ll want to look tight. Also, you’ll want to keep your skin in good shape and your hair lookin’ nice. You’ll dress cute and have an excuse to buy new clothes for dates n’ stuff.
- You get to try weird sex things that you read about on the internet. With lines of communication open, you can feel more comfortable to enact that bizarre fantasy involving an octagenerian and a window washer.
- Basically, you can get as drunk as you want when you go out and your significant other HAS to take care of you, or they’re an asshole.
- It’s nice to be able to bitch about your boyfriend to your friends, but it’s also nice to be able to bitch about your friends to your boyfriend. Get all that bitchin’ out of your system. It’s healthier for everyone this way.
- You get to play the who-can-get-who-better-christmas-presents game. There’s no loser here, because if you win and get your significant other the better gift, you get the self-satisfaction of knowing you are more giving and a better person. But if they get you the better gift, you still win because now you own something awesome.
- You have someone to do dumb couple stuff with. Stuff that you would normally never do. Stuff like going ice skating, picking apples, or fake nesting.
- Fake nesting: This is when you don’t actually live with each other, but you enjoy the activity of going shopping for things to put in your home together, that you don’t actually have, and where you don’t actually live.
- A regular, steady stream of sex. With the same person. All the time. Always. Unless you’re European, in which case you will probably just cheat on them and this doesn’t apply to you.
- You have to say goodnight to them every night. This sucks if you’re doing distance of any kind. This also sucks if you drink more than them on a regular basis and then have to pretend that you aren’t as drunk as you are and also have to pretend that it is not a pain in the ass to have to say goodnight to them.
- In the same vein, you have to go home when they go home. Um, do you mean I can’t stay and do a body shot off random Belgian guy at this party?
- You might mistake this as an opportunity to let yourself go. It’s easy to think that you don’t have to try anymore now that you have a geef/beef. If they’re not coming (or if they are and you guys have been dating for a looong time) you might think it’s okay to wear sweatpants to a bar. You probably will also give up dangerous crash dieting now that they know what you look like naked. You might even go so far as to stop manscaping. None of this is actually okay.
- It’s a costly business. You have to buy them birthday presents, Christmas presents, I’m-sorry presents, and you’ll want to buy them stuff ‘just because’. You’ll go out to eat all the time and, unless they’re foreign or came to 2011 in a time machine, you will end up paying for at least half of that most of the time. When you run out of shaving supplies, you will have to immediately go and buy more (and god forbid you get $$$WAXED$$$).
- Talk about NEEDY. I don’t want to drop everything and listen to you bitch about your life. Can’t you see that I’m trying to be famous on the Internet? Which is to say, I’m not doing anything but I still don’t want to hear about Professor Roszkowski moving the test back even though you already studied.
- You have to sort of take on their interests, which is great if their interests include: crafting, being a secret graffiti artist, owning and/or captaining a boat, or aspiring to be a chef to the stars. This is not so great if their interests include: turning every available container into a bong, having sex with animals, Monopoly, or playing the recorder.
- You have to delete your OkCupid account or you better make sure they don’t find it. Just because BeerPussy69 is obsessed with you doesn’t mean that you’re cheating!
Notably, many of the pros and cons are pretty much the same thing. That is to say, we find the same things as attractive parts of being in a relationship and unattractive parts of being in a relationship. The same can be said of your signifcant other; maybe their superb oboe playing was something that initially attracted you to him/her, but some days you would prefer if to break his/her kneecaps with said oboe. Does this make you crazy? No, of course not. Homicidal thoughts are merely symptoms of being in a committed relationship.
In the end, if you want to be in a relationship of any kind, you’re probably going to have to deal with some things that are just not your jive. But variety is the spice of life, like my mother likes to say (no she doesn’t, but maybe she said that at some point), and would you rather be dating someone exactly like you? Of course not! Because if you are any sort of self-respecting human being, you probably hate yourself.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I have spent the last four years of my life studying the grand discipline that is communication. You might say that it is a major for dummies, and you would be correct, but chances are those dummies have more sex than you.
I’ve discovered the beauty of the spoken word and its intense power, both for good and evil. Instead of learning skills like adding numbers or drawing leaves, I learned how to manipulate men into doing what I want them to do while thinking that it was their idea all along. I also learned how to use my words to get out of awkward situations with grace and ease. For example, the first time I ever, well, took an oral exam, the ‘teacher’ (not an actual teacher, just respecting the metaphor) actually asked me to stop. Yes, that really happened. I, mortified, decided the best plan of attack was as follows: laugh at self, sports joke, cute and reluctant admission of naiveté, giggly request for “extra help” after class sometime to “work on my skills”, make out. Then, when I was given a chance to re-take the exam, I studied extra hard and was told “wow, that was like going from a burger at McDonalds to filet mignon”. That, friends, is what we call turning lemons into lemonade.
For those souls who have not had the good fortune to learn the ins and outs of interpersonal comm., I would like to give a small tutorial. The hours (approx. 1,260) I’ve spent in the classroom can be condensed into one poorly-written and self-important sex blog post. The following are absolute truths. They work, and when you read them you should be shocked by none. They are so obvious that we tend to forget about them! If you do these things and they don’t work, it is the other person’s fault.
The Golden Rules of Sexual Communication:
· Be interested. This is more important than being interesting, though that comes close behind. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Ask a follow up question. Ask about things you are interested to know. What one thing does any given person know the most about? Themselves. They will be flattered that you want to know about them, and will be happy-no, thrilled-to answer pretty much whatever you ask. Even if it’s too personal, they will get turned on refusing you, as they will then have the power. Sexy. Asking a question can start a conversation and help jumpstart a stalled one. Asking questions shows maturity, it’s charming, and it works. Every time.
· Laugh and smile. Nobody likes a negative nancy/nigel. Brooding mystery is hot at the beginning, but only for about three minutes. After that, give us a smile, say something funny, and buy us a drink. None of this is applicable to the French.
· Know when to go deeper (yep, I know). Smalltalk is good. Small talk is great. It gets you there. Know when you’re there, and ask something nosey. “There” is often sooner than you think. People like to talk about themselves (see above), and they especially like to talk about things that they would not talk about with their aunt or the secretary at their dentist’s office. When it feels right (which is approximately when you’ve decided that they are not too gross or dumb to feel you up), throw out a probing question. Preferably, this question would allude to sex or nudity in some way while remaining deceptively casual. How about, “so, when was the last time you went streaking? Under what circumstances?”. This allows them to tell a funny story about when they were publicly naked or, if they’ve never done it, for them to ask about when you were publicly naked (and to think about you naked). See what we did there?
· Be honest, with them and with yourself. Don’t tell them lies about yourself, unless you plan on your meeting being very brief (people get overly and unnecessarily pissed when they find out that you name is not Cynthia and that you are not a triplet). I promise your actual deal is more interesting than you think. Take a moment now to figure out the coolest, craziest, or most interesting things about you and put them in your pocket to whip out in conversation. Also, if they say something that isn’t funny, don’t laugh. If they say something offensive to you, don’t pretend you’re okay with it. There is no need to make a scene, but if you aren’t into it, shut it down. You are doing no one any favors by pretending to like someone you don’t when you’re 22. Save it for your marriages.
· Have a drink. No, not eight drinks, unless that’s your thing. I am certainly not allowed to pass judgment there. A nice little apertif is actually great for your sexual communication. I find that the biggest problem in talking to hunks is nerves/self-consciousness/overthinking. Thank you, God, for granting us a medicine that takes away each of those things while also making us horny. Have a glass, loosen up-you will feel at ease and probably be funnier. A beer is perfect. I suggest keeping one in your purse and chugging it in the bathroom before approaching said hunk. Then you’ll be able to fix your hair, too. I’m so smart.
Communication is literally the most important thing ever. Also, getting some. Do well the first, and the second shall be.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Hello there, esteemed comrades and colleagues. I’m the other half of the Katie duo – the blonde half. I am coming to you live from my futon! This is where I eat, sleep, and conduct all manners of business, so it seems the only fitting place to continue Katie’s discourse on Dealbreakers.
I suppose the best thing to do is dive right in! Now, I agree with most of Katie’s aforementioned list, however we differ on a few points, which is to be expected because of course everyone is different. Everyone has different dealbreakers and dealmakers. And obviously if something on these lists describes you, don’t be offended, just stop it.
- Do not invite me over and then play video games the whole time I’m there. UNDERSTAND THIS; I will not stick around while you endeavor to kill nazi zombies. Please, PLEASE don’t do this to me – it is like being in a torture-porn, except without the porn because you won’t be getting ANY.
- Bad teeth, unless you are British. I like things with character, but not in your teeth. Also, tiny teeth – like a goat.
- Also, adult braces.
- Polyamory – I acknowledge that this totally works for some people, but not most. Just really not into it. Threesomes excluded. Sometimes. Maybe if we’re in Europe or something. We’ll talk.
- Dressing up like Hitler for Halloween because it’s “hilarious.” It’s not, you’re not. It will always be too soon.
- Ordering shots of Malibu. Also, ordering ME a shot of Malibu.
- It’s not a dealbreaker because people can’t help this, but I think uncircumcised penises look weird.
- In the course of starting a relationship, there comes an acceptable point to start sending me pictures of your dick. Know this point.
- Flesh colored beards and beards of any color longer than one inch from your face. Especially you if are trying to hide a double chin or lack of chin. I will find out eventually. The exception to this rule is No Shave November.
- Listening to and enjoying jam bands.
- Philosophy majors need not apply. This goes triple for theater majors.
- Do not ever act like I am dumb for not knowing some obscure factoid about some band (that I do not care about) that you just pulled out of your ass.
- Identifying in any capacity with Juggalos. This includes, but is not limited to: listening to and enjoying Insane Clown Posse, Having painted your face in typical ICP fashion, owning an “ironic” ICP t shirt is cutting it too close, if you have ever even thought about attending the Gathering of the Juggalos, (even if for purely scientific reasons), if you’ve ever whoop whooped…..unacceptable.
I’m sorry if this seems harsh, but life is harsh and unfair. BUT if everyone had dealbreakers and dealmakers and knew what theirs were, I really think the world would be a better place where everyone is gettin’ some. Isn’t that what it’s all about in the end? Isn’t that just what truly humans want? The loving and understanding and private parts of another human?
To make things a little less negative, I’ve also compiled a list of dealmakers! These things don’t have to necessarily be present, but I will like you more and you will seem more interesting if they are!
- If you can even sort of play any of the following: banjo, ukulele, mandolin, accordion, piano, really anything (except wind instruments – just not into it.)
- You listened to Elliott Smith as a teenager.
- You can play the Sims (doesn’t count as a video game) for hours! Think of all the fun we could have! We could create a family and then kill them off one by one by building rooms around them and letting them starve to death! Bonus points if you can remember the cheat code that lets you see them naked or having sex without it being blurred.
- I feel like this goes without saying, but if you have an accent, speak a foreign language, or can even fake an accent halfway decently. Get on it – I can give you the MAN TRAP guarantee that knowledge of another language will do great things for your love life. It’s never too late to learn, friends!
- You get really excited about Halloween and/or Christmas.
- You get really excited about anything, ever.
- Sending me a surprising, appropriately-timed picture of your junk. Saucy!
- On that note, being good at sexting.
- You used to have a slight drug problem, but you’ve worked it out and are a better person for it.
- You can pull off wearing suspenders. Be warned; the line is fine.
- You think I’m funny. You can be funny too.
- You’ve been in a fight, but NOT when I was around. It truly doesn’t matter if you won or not, although I’m sure that’s a small consolation if you lost.
- You can teach things to me, and I can teach things to you.
- You have drawn your own comics before.
See? We aren’t soulless harpies trying to whip men into pitiful and dutiful versions of themselves – far from it! In fact, being whipped is a dealbreaker! This is all about self-improvement and managing expectations.
Of course, like I said before, everyone’s different. I like to think of Katie and myself as pretty typical ladies with pretty typical standards and neurosis. There are dealbreakers listed that may actually be desirable to a lot (‘a lot’ might be generous) of people.
All we’re saying is that if you’ve dyed your beard purple and are wearing it in a long braid, understand that this is unacceptable for a lot of people. You might consider seeing what’s up with the Juggalos – I hear they take anyone. Whoop whoop!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
- Missing teeth, and not for a cool reason
- Wearing a white suit, or any of the pieces of a white suit.
- Excessively sweaty
- Small hands
- Picky eater ("I dont like vegetables")/vegan/vegan who doesn't like vegetables
- Smells like eggs
- Sunglasses indoors/at night. I HATE THAT!
- "Doesn't drink beer"
- "un-ironic turtleneck"
- Really tight curly hair
- Outwardly self-conscious about their body. If i'm not gonna bitch about it, you certainly shouldn't!
- Iphone guy-no, not a guy with an Iphone, but that guy who whips it out at the slightest want of information of any kind. Also, Ipad guy and insufferable Mac guy.
- "Doesn't really read. Well, just for school." I can also tell if you've only read books assigned for school because they comprise a list of about 15 titles. Cant bullshit a bullshitter.
- "Hates religion"-let me explain: its cool if you're not religious. Fine, whatever. But. I don't want to talk about it with you. I don't want to hear about why you're not religious, and I don't want to hear mean things about people who are. That's your deal, and that's fine, but no one else gives a shit.
- Baby-faced. I don't get it.
- Really skinny. I also don't get it. I know some girls get it, though, and i'm cool with that. I'll take the portly ones!
- Really, really into sports. Honestly, there are very few things I care about less and i'm done lying about that.
- Eats too much candy. This seems like a reach, but you would understand if it happened to you.
- Carries any of the following: mouth spray, hairbrush, gun, extra shirt in case of excessive sweating, candy, or anything recently stolen.
- Demographic dealbreakers subject to change: Under 20, over 40, Californian, Greek and can't get over it, Hipster (but, like, an asshole), Italian, French Canadian (been there, done that), gay and looking for a beard (again, been there, done that), married, baby-daddy, baby-mama, protestants, and liberals (but, like, an asshole).